T A H T N A H T E R O M MUCH
DASH
MyStoryUK “everybody has a story to tell”
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MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
MyStoryUK
MUCH MORE THAN THAT My name is Dash. I was born October 1958 and as Terry Pratchett said, “I’m still not dead yet.” Where do I begin, that’s a hard one. My childhood is probably the best place to start. My background. My father was a black American Indian, he’s a Navaho. My mother was a British born Jewish woman. But I myself was actually raised by white British people in Ipswich, Suffolk. I grew up with a lot of abuse from my family who, strangely enough, were racist. Which I’ve never quite understood cos I don’t understand why you would adopt a black child if you don’t like black people. The area I lived in is very, very racist as well. I went to school with predominately white people who would call 2
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
me black. There were about two or three . . . . . maybe half a dozen or so, to a dozen West Indian families that I grew up around who would call me white and would . . . . well they called me all sorts of names. But they particularly thought I was stuck up because I never used to understand what they were saying. Because they never realised that I didn’t understand Patois. I didn’t understand their form of English. So that was very hard growing up - trying to sort of fit in, trying to understand everybody. It wasn’t the easiest of childhoods. But then with other things I’ve seen and heard of other people it wasn’t the worst either. I started drinking at a very, very early age at home actually. My parents weren’t drinkers. My mother and father would literally have a drink or two at Christmas if they had their parents over for Christmas which was quite the norm. I remember once, my brother and I were about nine and were allowed to have, I always remember, a bottle of brown ale. My brother took two mouthfuls and puked all over the carpet much to the disgust of my mum and dad. I promptly finished the bottle off. 3
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
You know, I did I remember, not then but now realising that very first drink, I drank it like an alcoholic. I got that immediate buzz and felt funny and felt good and felt all sorts of things. But promptly from there on, any opportunity to sneak a drink if it was available, I did so. I had an elder brother David who was within his own family, he was a bit of a rebel, he was their black sheep. We somehow managed to fool my very educated father, on a lot of levels he was educated but not on this level. We kind of managed to convince him that alcohol, once you took the lid off a bottle of spirits, it would evaporate away. Which meant that for the rest of the year my brother and I would continue to drink the rest of the Christmas alcohol without my father thinking, “Oh, the whiskey’s gone down, the gin’s gone down, the vodka’s gone down.” Because we just convinced him that once you’ve opened the bottle the alcohol evaporates . . . he he he. My brother David, he would have a few swigs in the morning. By the time I was eleven I was actually going to school with a concoction of spirits that I used to put in a jam jar and drink on the way to school. I’d be pissed most days at school. The school was 4
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
strange. They used to just . . they obviously were aware of it but . . . I would fall asleep at some point in the class and they would leave me. And then I’d come home and that was that. I left home. I ran away a number of times because, like I said, it was a very abusive background that I came from. I ran away fourteen times before Social Services realised that I really didn’t want to live in this household. And basically from then on I just went for it big time. Because in those days it was very trendy, even with Social Services to let you out to do your own thing, unsupervised. You know, they didn’t tend to lock you up all the time, you could go out and do what you wanted. They gave you pocket money which to me was brilliant, never really having had any money before. They didn’t ask where I went so it was okay. So consequently as soon as I got my pocket money, you know, I’d go and buy alcohol with group of us from the kids home. We’d club together and buy bottles of cider and get pissed and all sorts of shenanigans. 5
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
When I came out of Care it was like seriously all up to my own devices. And yeah, I just drank more, I just drank more and I just drank more. Most of my working life I’ve worked in clubs, pubs and bars. That’s 34 years I’ve worked in pubs and clubs. You know great money, booze all the time and money afterwards to buy even more booze. What can I say? Yeah, I drugged in amongst all that as well but I seem to have this kind of strange built in . . . its a contradiction really. Its . . its . . I normally call it a bell where I wouldn’t take various drugs because I didn’t want to lose control. I had this bizarre idea that if I did heroin there’d be no coming back, I would not be in control of myself. And I won’t do cocaine because that’s the same. And you know, I tried everything and I . . . no, I’m not going to get into ecstasy or . . . all these things. But it never really occurred to me that alcohol . . . I was out of control with alcohol, even though I knew I had a problem with alcohol. But I suppose I wouldn’t fully face it, I didn’t fully comprehend how much of a problem alcohol really, really was. 6
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
And I did over . . . over the space of . . . say I really started drinking from 11 onwards . . . and that’s 40 years. There were occasions, I remember one time in my teens, I think I was about 19 or 20, I stopped drinking of my own volition. I can remember that my favourite drink was lemonade and lime. I had all this energy and you know, it was brilliant. But I felt like I did it for everybody and I felt like a complete lunatic because I had more energy. I was like always hyper and I felt I annoyed people because I talked too much and I bounced around. I had too much energy and that pissed them off. And when I look back its like, I probably did because they were all pissed and stoned. But that hadn’t occurred to me that they were annoyed ‘cos I was just too fast for them. But then again, back onto the booze and each time obviously the booze got me and I drank more and more. I helped to run a couple of pubs. There was one pub in particular where if they wanted to know whether I was there or not, ‘cos I was there virtually . . . I lived there more or less 7 days a week . . . and if they wanted to know I was in the building they would check the 7
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
optics and if the Vodka bottle and the Tequila was empty they knew I was around. But if the Vodka and the Tequila were on the optic and it looked like there was alcohol in it then they knew that I wasn’t there. Because I would constantly everyday drink all the Vodka and Tequila and beer on top. It was ridiculous. I don’t know where . . . this too much . . . there’s so much that I’d like to say, like to explain to people and then again its not right. Right now I feel that I don’t have to explain anymore. Part of my drinking was I always felt like I had to explain myself to people on every level. Anything they’d want to know I’d tell them. Whereas now I don’t, I don’t. Ian How did you get into recovery? Dash How did I get into recovery? I’ve wanted to get into recovery for the last 15 years. And I’ve asked for the last 15 years but there’s not a lot of help for people if you’ve got alcohol problems unless you’re admitted to hospital. 8
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
I’ve only ever once been admitted to hospital for alcohol poisoning, that was when I was about 13 on holiday at Blackpool. But other than that . . . I don’t think my problem was taken seriously because I didn’t present as somebody with a drink problem, I just didn’t. The way that I carried myself etcetera. A lot of my drinking in the last 4 years was done in solitary anyway. So people wouldn’t know how bad my problem was because I would drink and go. I would drink in my house alone. But I did find, I did find help. I was recommended to go into Detox Equinox just before Christmas last year which I did and it was amazing. It really, really was amazing. Its something that I’d wanted for 15 years. And that was just the beginning of where I am now. I did everything that they told me to do. I went to classes, I attended every class that was going - AA , CA , NA - because they’re all relevant to me ‘cos I’ve done the drugs as well as the drink. But drink is my primary . . . what do they call it? . . . “The drug of your choice.” 9
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Ian Yeah. Dash Yeah, that’s my primary, that’s my big, that’s the problem. From the day I took a sip, you know, that’s number one. It was recommended as well to have an aftercare programme. And they recommend that you go to AA on a Saturday. But then I dunno you said, various people have said, “You should do as many meetings as you can.” The first few weeks after coming out of the Detox, I only did the obligatory one AA. But basically after a month I decided, “Well maybe I should do more.” And I did. I started to do one, two . . . now I’m up to about five a week if I can. I love it. Its brilliant. It really is amazing. I can’t see my future with not having AA in my life. AA to me is part of . . . I’m a Buddhist and I practice my faith, its my every waking moment and every sleeping moment. Its my entire 10
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
life and AA is also. Its like they go hand in hand. Its just incredible - the people I’ve met in AA, the people met through the treatment, people I’ve met into aftercare, people I’ve met at the New Hanbury Project like the guy that I’m talking to now, Ian - just countless names. But everything about the treatment, this Project, AA - I can’t say a word against any of them. I’m baffled, I’m baffled sometimes by people that I know who have come through treatment with me who are struggling, still struggling because they won’t give the things that are available to them, they won’t give them a try. And I’m fascinated when . . . they tried every drink on the market that there ever was when they were drinking and you know . . . they even . . . we all find ourselves in that place one day when you go, “Oh, I’d never drink that. No, I can’t drink that, that’s what Alcis drink. Oh I’d never drink that!” I drank everything in the end. Even the most . . . There was one drink that I always really, really hated. I can’t stand the taste or smell of it - that’s Bacardi - its an absolutely diabolical drink. 11
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
When push came to shove if that was all that was available, that went down my neck the same way as every other drink did. You’ll try this to get high. You know the lengths you’ll go to to get fucked up . . . sorry, sorry about my French . . . to get messed up. But actually, I’m just a bit puzzled and baffled sometimes watching others around me who don’t take advantage of what’s available. And they say that they want to get well. And I pray that they do get well, they stay well. But I’m just baffled that they don’t give AA and these varied programmes a bit more of a chance. Ian Do you think a lot of people slag off AA? Dash I think they do because they don’t get the real point of it. I think its the thing you know . . .because its an ‘organisation’. To a lot of people ‘organisation’ can just be a dirty word. Its like there’s only one picture that comes to mind when you say ‘organisation’ but 12
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
without realising, “Its us.” AA is just lots of ‘us’. We are the new ‘us’ being looked after by the old ‘us’. Its not an Authority, its not like Government, its not ‘them’ this is ‘us’. This is Alcoholics getting better with the help of other recovering Alcoholics. It kind of amuses me sometimes cause its a bit like pubs. You go to a pub and you didn’t like it but you didn’t sort of think, “Naaaa . . .” You’d think, “Okay, I don’t like this pub.” You just went and find another one that suited you. To me I feel AA is like that. Its sort of like, “Don’t slag it off just because you went to a meeting or you went to a building where they held meetings twice a week and you didn’t like it there. Go find another one!” You’ve got to keep trying because you won’t find you know, what you need, if you don’t keep trying. It doesn’t have to be in that one building. Just like when you went to the pub. If you went to the one that didn’t have the Bitter you wanted, you walked across town, you went to another town to get it. AA is YOUR recovery. If that meeting doesn’t suit you, find the one that does. 13
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Ian So what holds in the future for you? Dash The future, the future, oh God. You know its like that actor on the television, “The future is bright, the future is orange.” Its like the future for me . . . I truly believe that the future now is unlimited, completely unlimited. Whilst I was drinking, especially the last few years, any dreams that I previously had when I was younger, when I was growing up . . . you know I think I lost all ideas, dreams and ambitions by the time I was at least 35. I had no . . . the only thing that kept me going was to earn enough money to drink tomorrow. If you’d said to me, “Well, if you take away the drink, what are you going to do?” I could honestly say, “I haven’t got a clue, I don’t know, I don’t know.” And I would upset myself because I would sit alone and think, “Well what would I like to do?” And all I could think was, “I don’t know, I don’t know.” 14
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Now, there’s so much I’d like to do, there’s so many possibilities . . I CAN’T DECIDE SOMETIMES. Ian He he he. Is that it? Dash Can I, is it possible? As part of this project, I came to do some writing. The first time I came there was nobody here. But Carey said she thought she had an idea of what Franzi does. And I just decided to stay and scribble on my own in a little side room. She gave me all these pictures and gave me these ideas. She said, “Franzi says, ‘You can do this or you can do that. You can write a poem and you can use these pictures as inspiration.’ “ I’ve got this picture. This was one of the pictures she gave me and it stuck out for me. It really stuck out for me. From that I wrote this poem. So here’s my poem. (title by RodB) 15
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Much more than that My God, it feels good to walk on this earth, today. The ground beneath my shoes, feels solid, though strangely light, like the street has springs, hidden underneath, making my steps agile and athletic, all at once. Like a dancer, I’m making dance steps. That’s a beautiful feeling. My God, doesn’t the air feel warm and fresh and fragrant like a favourite sweater - warm in its soft texture, comforting in its familiarity. Maybe its just the rays of the sun beaming down on my back making me feel like this? Who cares? I am truly loving this feeling, so much so, I’m intoxicated, breathing in every step the wind pushes me gently into. My God its beautiful. Its un-real, its surreal. Sad though. 16
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Have you noticed how slowly everyone seems to be moving? All wrapped up in their clothes, as if winter lived in their bones. I’ve been looking at them, they move heavy and slow, even so, the expressions on their face are so. Did you hear a groan? Yes. A groan and a moan. Oh, listen, there’s another, and another, and another. My God, they’re coming from all around, they’re everywhere. The sounds are oppressive, stifling, they are choking. Let me shake them off. Yes, that’s better. Hear that sound, that beautiful sound? I can hear it. Its loud and clear, crystal clear. Its like a pulse, a steady pulse. A beat. Yes, a heartbeat. Its strong, its heady, it makes me dizzy. But happy. No ecstatic. No euphoric. That’s the word, EUPHORIC. It makes me feel so good to be alive. To breath, to touch, to see, to hear. I love it! I LOVE IT! I want more of it. 17
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
“Are you sure that’s what you want child?” Oh God, yes. Like I’ve never wanted anything else. “More than the fleeting pleasure of meaningless relationships and sex?” Oh God, yes. Much more than that. “More than wine, whisky and all the beer in the universe?” Yes, yes. Much, much, much more than that. “More than ecstasy, acid and the class As, Bs and Cs?” Oh dear God. Yes, yes, YES. More than that. “More than the false riches of diamonds, gold and silver?” Oh yes God, yes. Far more than that. “Then, go on, child. See you again some time in the future.” 18
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Ian Thank you very much for the interview Dash. Thank you very much. Dash Thanks Ian.
Published by the MyStoryUK project interview by Ian Stewart May 2009 (Hanbury) design and photo RodB the Spitalfields Crypt Trust www.sct.org.uk and the New Hanbury Project 020 7613 5636 3 Calvert Avenue London E2 7JP August 2009 ISSUU May 2012 ISSUU MyStoryUK YouTube RecoveryChannelUK 19
MyStoryUK Dash “Much more than that”
Feel free to share this heartwarming story with your family and friends. For paper copies please contact Spitalfields Crypt Trust Janice Taylor 020 7613 5677 janice.taylor@sct.org.uk 116 - 118 Shoreditch High Street London E1 6JN.
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