FS MAGAZINE THE GAY HEALTH AND LIFE MAG ISSUE #158 FEB 2017/MAR 2017
THE
BREAK-UP ISSUE It’s not you. It’s us... ALSO
HOW TO MAKE THE BEST OF A BREAK-UP
5 TIPS FOR LIVING TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME
Photo © Shutterstock/Jacob Lund
Photo © Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com
The issue with break-ups @liamwaterloo
Published by HERO Unite 22, Eurolink Business Centre, 49 Effra Road, London, SW2 1BZ. Tel: 020 7738 6872 Email: gmfa@gmfa.org.uk Website: www.gmfa.org.uk Charity number 1076854 ISSN 1750-7162
Cover and feature shots by Shutterstock ©Shutterstock/JacobLund
The FS team for issue 158 was: • Liam Murphy - Editor • Hadley • Vish • Stuart Haggas • Mark Reed • Scott Roberts • Ruaidhri O’Baoill • Matthew Hodson.
For issue #158 of FS we conducted a big survey on break-ups (to start the year on a cheering footing). There’s a common misconception that gay men can’t hold down a relationship or that they jump from boyfriend to boyfriend always looking for the next best thing. We of course know that’s not true. Many gay men are in long-term relationships, have civil partnerships or are married. In fact, we surveyed 1,097 gay men and 54% said they are in a relationship at the moment, and 46% of those people have been together two years or more. However, what the survey did show is that many gay men lack communication skills. The responses indicated that a lack of communication and ability to find resolution to conflicts often led to the demise of a relationship. The survey indicated that the main reason people broke up with somebody was because they grew apart (51%), mainly due to the fact they stopped communicating.
Design and layout by Ian Howley and Liam Murphy
The lack of communication was often down to gay men not telling each other how they feel and, in some cases, not being able to communicate the type of sex they want. 27% of gay men broke up with their partner because one of them had sex with somebody else.
Appearance in FS is not an indication of an individual’s sexual orientation or HIV status.
Perhaps this is just a human trait. Where love is concerned it’s often hard to see the wood for the trees, especially when the trees are yelling at you in the kitchen because you didn’t load the dishwasher. However, it could also be because gay men lack full education around same sex relationships. Anything gay men do hear growing up tends to be focused on heterosexual couples and more ‘traditional’ relationships, whereas gay men often don’t follow this path.
The views of our writers are not necessarily the views of FS, of the organisations mentioned, HERO or of the editor. Volunteers contribute to the planning, writing, editing and production of FS.
A lack of sex and relationships education could be the reason they often find it difficult to navigate their way out of difficult relationships or unable to resolve issues to save them. Perhaps it’s another inequality that we as gay men face and seek to change. Within the main feature we ask the advice of experts to help and guide gay men to better manage their relationships and help soften the impact of what can be the devastating process of a break-up. “Left unexpressed, our emotions, thoughts, worries and anxieties will turn from frustration into resentment – and sometimes get to the point of becoming extreme or toxic,” advises Andre Smith, the Health & Wellbeing Coordinator at Positive East. “If that happens, and the relationship is beyond the point of talking things through and is impacting on you in a very negative way, then that is time to up sticks and leave. The key is to keep communicating and never let it get to that point.” By focusing on issues such as developing communication and relationship skills, we can help gay men establish healthy relationships, which benefit their general wellbeing and the wellbeing of current and future relationships. Liam Murphy, Editor, FS @liamwaterloo www.fsmag.org.uk
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CASE OF THE EX HOW BREAK-UPS REALLY IMPACT US... Words by Stuart Haggas | @GetStuart Photos ©Shutterstock/Jacob Lund
COVER STORY
Divisive events of the past few years show how much animosity there can be when two sides fundamentally disagree with each other. Extreme levels of anger and disillusion aren’t exclusive to world events like Brexit and Trump’s presidency. They can be equally unpleasant on a domestic scale, because when two people break up their whole world can fall to bits.
Break-ups come in all shapes, sizes and levels of extremity, from ‘we just drifted apart’ to ‘that cheating bastard!’ The post-break-up period can be equally polarised. In our survey on relationships and break-ups, some gay and bi men describe how low and depressed they can feel in the aftermath of a relationship; while others bounce back and immediately hit the gay scene with a vengeance. In fact, 57% of the 1,097 men we surveyed say that right after a break-up they tend to have more casual sex than usual. Why do some relationships break down in the first instance? And how can we safeguard our mental and sexual health after a break-up?
PITY OR PARTY? The days, weeks and even months after a break-up can feel pretty miserable – regardless of how long that relationship lasted, or whether it was a ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ break-up. Several men told us how down they’ve felt in the aftermath of a relationship, describing clichéd behaviour such as sobbing along to old Amy Winehouse albums or comfort-eating chocolate and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. “I was too depressed to be sexy,” says Zac, 27 from Coventry. Others quickly get back out on the scene – sometimes as an act of defiance, sometimes as a way of numbing the pain of a break-up. Which often means having a lot more sex. When in a relationship, the vast majority of men surveyed say they don’t use condoms with their partner. 42% said they never use condoms, while 29% admit to only using condoms sometimes. Should the relationship end, some of these men don’t immediately get back into the habit of using condoms. Adam is 27 from London, and recently split with his partner of two years. “I finally got the courage for casual sex,” he says. “I didn’t use a condom as I wasn’t used to the routine of using them – plus the guy was the top and I expected him to put one on himself – and I caught an STI.” “I was 18, I’d just moved to London and broken up with a long-term partner,” says Rob, 25. “I then decided it was my time. I was out frequently, drinking, having fun and a lot of casual sex. Sometimes protected, sometimes not. After some time I decided to go and get checked. I was diagnosed HIV-positive.” “In the couple of months following my first big break-up, I got gonorrhoea in my throat,” admits Darren, 25, from Dublin. “My ex made me feel like I was a complete failure,” says Connor, 22, from London. “I decided to get very drunk one night with my friends, and Grindr was just too tempting. Two weeks later I had something seeping out of my penis, and then I knew what had happened.” “If you find yourself taking risks that you normally wouldn’t after the end of a relationship, it might be worth trying to hit the pause button,” suggests Matthew Hodson, Executive Director of NAM. “Alcohol and drugs might seem to blot out the pain but the respite is only temporary and chances are they’ll only leave you feeling worse in the morning. If you’re HIV-negative and you can’t stop taking the risks, try to get yourself on PrEP. There are websites that will put you in touch with cheaper supplies and many sexual health clinics will now support you if you talk to them about using PrEP.” www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo ©Shutterstock/Jacob Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com Photo © Lee Sterling www.lessterling.com Photo © Photos © Alessandro CalaLund www.alessandrocalza.com
Photo by Chris Jepson © www.chrisjepson.com
COVER STORY The lows that can accompany the end of a relationship may lead us to neglect our health and wellbeing in other ways. “If you’re living with HIV, make sure that you don’t get to the point where you’re regularly forgetting to take your treatment,” Matthew adds, “as this can severely damage your health, may reduce your future treatment options, and can leave you much more likely to pass the virus on to your sexual partners.”
SOME COUPLES JUST GROW APART Having asked 1,097 readers to share their experiences of relationships and break-ups, there was an outpouring of stories. “We had been together for about two and a half years. We had started growing apart so I sat him down to chat and we realised we both wanted different things from our lives,” says John, 28, from Manchester. “It was the hardest conversation I have ever had with someone.” Rather than bringing them closer, sometimes co-habiting can drive some couples apart. “The relationship fell apart when we decided to take the next step and move in together,” says Rob, 25 from Doncaster. “After living together for no longer than two months, we decided to call it a day.” “We moved in together after only nine months and we were in a shared house while I was at uni,” says Joseph, 22 from Newcastle. “It was too much too soon, it drove us apart and made me actively dislike him. I studied abroad and we stayed together but I cheated a few times, as did he. I used to dread spending time with him. Even before I cheated he was jealous and manipulative. I was horrible to him and it was a toxic place to be.” For some couples, it doesn’t help when there’s an ex lurking in the wings. “It was doomed from the start, it was a drunken one night stand and we both seemed to feel obliged to see if it was worth pursuing. It wasn’t,” says Scott, 29 from Manchester. “We were too different and had no common interests. He also wasn’t over his ex who was still contacting him while we were together. They ended up getting back together after we broke up.”
SOME FOUND THEIR PARTNER TOO CONTROLLING OR ABUSIVE “There isn’t really much to know,” says Jordan, 22 from Hertfordshire. “He was a serial cheater and liar. He was eventually abusive, especially when caught out. I loved him, even said ‘yes’ to marrying him at one point. But the person I fell in love with and the person I had to break up with were two very different people. Almost like Jekyll and Hyde.” “He was emotionally abusive, once physically, and manipulative – and would secretly read all of my messages to family and friends,” says Aron, 23 from London. “Eventually I cheated on him and he found out while snooping through my laptop while I was at work.” “It was not physical abuse but he was mentally abusive – lying, deceiving me, and making out I was imagining things,” says Adam, 39 from Lewisham. “He was also very controlling. I realised what was going on and with the help and support of my parents and friends I left the relationship.” “He was insecure and took that out on me in a way which I’ve since come to realise was abusive,” says Jonah, 45 from London. “If we went to a party together and I talked to someone other than him, even if it was a heterosexual man or someone who he should never have thought was a threat, he would fly into a rage. I found myself self-censoring so as not to upset him, but no matter what I did, nothing would convince him www.fsmag.org.uk
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THE BREAK-UP BREAKDOWN: • 82% said that growing apart caused a break-up • 23% said arguments were the source of the break-up • 16% broke off a relationship because it was abusive
Photo Lee Sterling www.lessterling.com Photo Photo ©by©© Shutterstock/Jacob | www.chrisjepson.com Lund Photo DanChris Hall ©Jepson GMFA Cala Photos Alessandro www.alessandrocalza.com
Photo by Chris Jepson © www.chrisjepson.com
• 62% said they have stayed friends with an ex
that I was committed to the relationship. Eventually I realised that I was just miserable, and that as long as I was with him I could only be unhappy, so I ended it.”
COMMUNICATION Andre Smith, Health & Wellbeing Coordinator at Positive East, explains that talking is often key. “Communication is ultimately the bedrock of every relationship,” he says. “If one partner in a relationship starts to feel jealous, or feels the pressure of being controlled or manipulated, it’s important and healthy that he shares his feelings or concerns with his partner. We can’t always expect our partners to magically know what we are thinking or how we are feeling. While one partner may feel emotionally controlled or even abused, the other may have absolutely no idea of the impact of what they feel is normal relationship behaviour. “As a counsellor, I very often hear statements like ‘I don’t think he really understands me’ and yet when I probe further, I often find that the person I’m helping has never really expressed their worries, anxieties, or true feelings to their partner. Which of course begs the question, how do we expect our partners to fully understand us if we haven’t shared our fears and insecurities. If a partner does not want to hear about such things, then they are probably not right for you. “Left unexpressed, our emotions, thoughts, worries and anxieties will turn from frustration into resentment – and sometimes get to the point of becoming extreme or toxic. If that happens, and the relationship is beyond the point of talking things through and is impacting on you in a very negative way, then that is time to up sticks and leave. The key is to keep communicating and never let it get to that point.”
CHEATING “My ex cheated on me but I found out,” says John, 28 from Manchester. ”He then continued to lie about it and made out that I was the crazy one for thinking it. After a year, and me finding out about him cheating again, he finally came clean. Optimistically I tried to make it work, but I just couldn’t trust him. In the end, it was the lies that I couldn’t recover from, not him having sex with other guys.” “I was in a long-term relationship of eight years. He cheated, I cheated as payback which wasn’t the most mature thing to do and only made it worse,” says Nathan, 28 from Manchester. “We had no trust but decided to plod along, until admitting we weren’t happy.” “After eight months together I found out that he had been sleeping with a guy that he reassured me was only a friend,” says Wayne, 24 from Limerick. “Everybody knew and they decided to be together. Like any breakup it was humiliating and devastating.” “He started going on dates with his then best friend, and slept with him,” says Gav, 23 from Cardiff. “His sister was the one who told me, after realising he hadn’t finished with me, and was seeing the two of us.” “He used a lot of dating apps and manipulated me into thinking this was just for friendship,” says Jay, 22 from Liverpool. “He told me I was psychotic for not letting him meet ‘friends’ off apps such as Grindr, Tinder and Hornet. As it transpired, he was in fact sleeping with other people along with sending nude pictures and videos on social media. He even took secret videos and photos of me and sent them to the men he was sleeping with.” “I caught him messaging and sending photos to other men on Snapchat. It had been happening for over six months, so I walked out on him,” says Dom, 22, Leicester. “I’d seen he had Grindr on his phone so when he went to sleep I read all the messages,” says Ryan, 25 from Cavan, “and found out he’d slept with at least 10 to 12 different guys in the last three months.” www.fsmag.org.uk
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THE BREAK-UP BREAKDOWN: • 42% admit to never using condoms with a partner • 32% go for regular sexual health check-ups while in a relationship • 24% said they got an STI during a relationship
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Photo Photo © Shutterstock/Jacob Lund © Lee Sterling www.lessterling.com Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com
• 73% said they didn’t get the STI from their partner
“He had been sleeping with somebody he’d met on Grindr while I was on a one week trip abroad,” says Dan, 21 from London. “Prior to the trip he had asked me if he could sleep with somebody else. I said no, because I thought we were in a monogamous relationship. When I returned he was acting odd, so I asked him if he’d slept with someone else and that’s when he told me.” “In my last relationship, I found he was cheating, this led to arguments,” says Kammy, 18 from Doncaster. “He asked for an open relationship, I agreed, but he then got angry with me for having sex with someone else. So I had sex with a different guy, filmed it, and sent it to him informing him it was over.”
SOME ARGUE TOO MUCH OR STOP HAVING SEX “We started arguing daily,” admits Stephan, 20 from Portsmouth. “We had no respect for each other. We stopped having sex. I was depressed. We rushed into our relationship and into buying a flat.” “We stopped having sex,” says Leon, 38 from Leeds. “There were probably underlying emotional issues which we (or more likely, I) refused to discuss. This went on for a long time; we hadn’t had sex for two years when we broke up. Everything else was great, but we started to resent each other for the lack of sexual contact. Eventually he confronted the situation. I’m not good at confronting issues and would have let it carry on forever. We decided while we were still relatively young it might be best to split so there was still time to find people we could have proper, fulfilling relationships with. There were lots of tears, but it was very amicable.”
A COMBINATION OF THINGS “There were too many issues we just couldn’t fix and we ended up unhappy together,” says Dean, 22 from Dublin. “My relationship was three and a half years long and was good at the start, but the last six months of the relationship got bad. We couldn’t work through the issues no matter how hard we tried. We decided we need to be apart and see other people so we can grow as people.” “We grew apart, and kept arguing. Neither of us could be bothered to resolve the issues,” says Oliver, 21 from London. “I met this guy through a friend and we got on really well. I started to develop feelings for the other guy so knew I had to end it with my boyfriend.” “I was engaged to my previous boyfriend for over 18 months, but he had an alcohol dependence and would blame everyone else around him rather than accept his issues,” says Stephen, 29 from Newry. “He used mind games to make me think it was in my mind. And after we split I found out he had been cheating on me for nearly a year. He was dating again six weeks after I left him.” “We had been growing apart for a while. I was growing depressed and had taken to drinking every night just to feel a bit happy,” says Martin, 26 from Plymouth. “Throughout the relationship he had become controlling, telling me that I couldn’t go out with friends constantly. The one time I did go out with friends he screamed at me about it. There was also constant emotional manipulation making me think everything that had gone wrong was my fault. In the end all this did was make me feel increasingly isolated and depressed.” “My ex and I had a lot of arguments, though we also had good times,” says Daniel, 30 from Dublin. “He was unemployed for a while, and moved in with me, which put a strain on the whole thing. We also partied a lot as a coping mechanism. Eventually, a huge fight escalated into a break-up, followed by his attempting to cut his wrists in my bathroom. He was in a mental health ward for several weeks afterwards. We kept in close touch for a while, but he’s become more hostile to the idea in recent months.”
HOW TO MAKE LASTING RELATIONSHIPS “New relationships are fragile and rushing through the formative early stages can lead to a promising www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com Photo © © Chris Shutterstock/Jacob Lund
new romance going pear-shaped very quickly,” warns Andre Smith of Positive East. “A new relationship is addictive and in those first few weeks, when the endorphins are coursing around your body and you feel lightheaded with romance, it’s common to let your normal rational mind take a holiday. But if you really want this relationship to last it’s important to apply the brakes a little. Ask yourself, are you really interested in getting to know the other person, or are you more concerned with easing your loneliness and sating you desires? Is it a reaction to the past? “Some people rush into a new relationship to get over an old one. Rebound relationships rarely stand the test of time because until your heart has healed from the past there isn’t room for someone new to come in. “Are you giving too much too soon? Sometimes it’s good to hold a little back. Relationships that go straight into daily contact and 24/7 availability can burn out quickly. Hold something back and leave your date wanting more of you rather than less. Avoid spending every available moment together, jumping into bed too quickly or being constantly online 24/7. “A common mistake people make when claiming the ‘timing is wrong’ is putting the wrong offender to blame. They put the emphasis on the wrong words. Is the timing wrong because you’re not ready to commit to them? It’s very possible that your inability to enter a relationship isn’t because of where you are in your life, but rather who you are with. If your boyfriend left you because he said the timing was wrong, it could very well mean that either you were not right for him or he simply didn’t know how to deal with matters in his own life, and consequently didn’t know how to deal with you.”
RELATIONSHIPS AND SEXUAL HEALTH The majority of men surveyed don’t use condoms with their partner when in a relationship: 42% say they never use condoms, 29% say sometimes. Just 29% say they always use condoms with their partner when in a relationship. Not using condoms leaves you vulnerable to STIs, and in fact 24% of the men we surveyed admit they’ve contracted STIs during a relationship. In many instances this is because the relationship was open, and necessary actions were taken. “I’m in an open relationship, and I got gonorrhoea from another sexual partner,” admits John, 28 from Manchester. “I immediately told my boyfriend. I was tested and treated. He was tested but was negative.” But some of the men who contracted an STI were taken by surprise because they thought their relationship was monogamous. Gregor is 45 from London and was in what he believed to be a monogamous relationship, but after five years together they recently split up. “He contracted HIV after a casual encounter. We hadn’t agreed on an open relationship.” “He cheated on me with his friend from rugby,” says Ben, 23 from Brighton, “I found out when he had stopped wanting sex and said that he needed to go to the hospital one day. He caught gonorrhoea.” “I was in a relationship where my ex had unprotected sex with somebody else and contracted gonorrhoea,” says Darren, 25 from Dublin, “but I was lucky not to contract it.” Adam is 27 from Brighton. He was in what he believed to be a monogamous long-term relationship when his boyfriend caught chlamydia. “He actually caught it and attempted to blame me for it, claiming I was unfaithful,” Adam says. “We got checked. I was all clear. He was not. He still tries to blame the towels at the gym to this day.” www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo Photo©©Shutterstock/Jacob Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com Lund
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PROTECTION AND MONOGAMY How should couples that agree to be monogamous deal with questions around condom use and STIs? “I would advise anyone who’s depending on monogamy to protect themselves from STIs to think very carefully about it,” Matthew suggests. “You may be certain that the two of you will cleave to each other for all eternity but it only takes one of you to slip up and you’re no longer in a monogamous relationship. The protection against HIV transmission that is offered by effective treatment may come too late if your partner acquires HIV during your time together. It’s worth discussing as a couple how you think you’d cope if one of you were to have sex outside the relationship. If you’re clear that any sex outside the relationship is grounds for a breakup, that very threat may result in one partner choosing not to talk honestly about what’s going on outside the marital bed – and that’s when the risks start getting serious. “Contrary to popular belief, it’s likely that the majority of new HIV infections aren’t from unbridled lustful liaisons with hundreds of up-for-it nightly callers but from intimate sex acts between loving partners who’ve decided that they no longer need to use condoms. As Public Health England bluntly stated in one of their annual HIV reports, ‘unprotected sex with partners believed to be of the same HIV status is unsafe’.”
NON-DISCLOSURE AND BREAK-UPS Some people split up when they discover their partner has HIV, but didn’t immediately disclose this. “After three months apart he then finally told me he had HIV,” says Mikkie, 26 from Callington. “That for me wasn’t the problem. It was the fact it was hidden from me when all my secrets were laid bare for him to see.” Michael is 27 from Leeds, and he and his partner had chosen to not use condoms. “My partner at the time, unknown to me, had HIV, but had chosen not to tell me,” he explains. “When I felt unwell once, I wondered if it was due to any STIs as we’d only been together a few months. He then chose to tell me about his HIV status, but said that he had only just found out, something I later found was a lie. I stayed with my partner for another five months, as I wanted to be with him despite his HIV status. However, over the months the relationship slowly broke down as he refused to talk to me, or anyone else, about it. In addition to this he also failed to come to any of the meetings I had to ensure that I was free of HIV. Thankfully, it came to light that I didn’t have it, but two months later the relationship was unsalvageable. I still love him to this day, but he refuses to talk to me and continues to refuse to talk about his issues with other people.” “When to disclose remains a tricky issue for those of us who are living with HIV. There is no easy solution as whatever you do you run the risk of being damned,” says Matthew Hodson. “Even if we’re happy to be open about our HIV status it doesn’t mean we want to be defined by it. If you announce your status straight away there’s the risk that your new or potential boyfriend might think it’s a more central issue for you than it actually is. If you hesitate then you run the risk of being accused of lying or, worse, of being careless about your partner’s health (even if you’re undetectable and so pose no transmission risk). “These challenges are even greater if you’re unwilling to be entirely open about your HIV status, perhaps because you haven’t even come out to your family as gay, so the last thing you want is for it to become gossip that you’re living with HIV. “None of this would be a problem if HIV didn’t carry such a high burden of stigma. It’s the hangover from the days when HIV was untreatable, when death was the likely outcome of infection and when someone with HIV was considered to be a risk to his sexual partners. Now HIV is very treatable, if diagnosed early. HIV treatment has resulted in the number of HIV-related deaths plummeting. www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo Š Shutterstock/Jacob Lund
If you’re on treatment your life-expectancy is near normal and, when your treatment is effective, you can’t pass the virus on to your sexual partners, even if you don’t use condoms. “Ultimately the solution is that everyone needs to be better educated about the actual risks of HIV transmission and the impact of HIV infection. Inevitably, one of the best ways for this to happen is for people living with HIV to have the confidence to speak to their partners, friends, family and colleagues about HIV.”
THE AFTERMATH OF A BREAK-UP Negative experiences from past relationships sometimes linger on – and can impact our future relationships. “I’m a lot less trusting and find it hard to connect with men now,” says Jay. “Although I know exactly what I don’t want in a relationship, and realise that I shouldn’t be treated as I was before.” “Every time I’m dating someone now all I can think is that they’ve no interest in me,” says Ryan, 25 from Cavan, “or that if they do, they’ll go off me soon.” “Two guys I have dated have been alcoholics, so I don’t date guys who are big drinkers for fear of having to see someone fall into the pit of addiction and then suffering the heartbreak again,” admits Stephen, 29 from Newry. “My current boyfriend is basically tee-total.” “Although there is no magical answer to how to move on past your break-up, there are things you can do to help you get through this painful time, get you on the path of recovery, and feel optimistic again about your future,” says Andre Smith. “Give yourself time to emotionally digest the break-up. The moving on process can take time, especially if you want to be fully cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, rather than just moving forward on a surface level. “Take time. Some people ‘get right back on the horse again’ and start dating – I am not a great fan of this advice. I believe more good can come from giving yourself some time and space before you rush back into dating again. Time spent out of a relationship provides the opportunity for clarity and introspection. It also allows you to take a step back, and decide if this is yet another relationship that sounds and feels like the others. Look for patterns that can help prevent future relationship mistakes. Time affords you that opportunity.” For more on dating, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/dating. For more on monogamous relationships, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/monogamousrelationships. For more on open relationships, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/open-relationships. For more on single life, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/single-life. For more on marriage and civil partnerships, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/married-civilpartnered. For more on sexual health and HIV testing, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/Pages/Category/hiv-aids-and-safer-sex.
www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo Š Shutterstock
ADVICE
Six ways to make the best of a break-up By Mark Reed
@mark_reed88
Negotiating a break-up is never easy, I think that’s something I’m sure we can all agree on. But there’s no rule saying we have to be a prize-winning douche bag to extricate ourselves from a formerly well-functioning relationship. So how does one avoid these well-trodden paths of douche-bagish behaviour? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are a few top tips to negotiate the murky waters of the dreaded break-up.
1. Be honest It seems incredibly obvious, but when you have to have these difficult conversations you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. They’ll probably know you pretty well and so will immediately clock your behaviour when it’s disingenuous. You’d appreciate them being honest too, right? It would be an insult to your relationship to not have an open discussion about something so important. Of course, being honest is incredibly difficult and sometimes our whole being resists it, but, it’s worth making the effort. How could you even know that you wanted to break up for sure unless you could articulate those words to your partner? Just getting those feelings out might be the beginning of a conversation that leads to your reconciliation – or maybe it doesn’t – but at least you’ve talked it out honestly. And you’ll both feel better (in the long run) for choosing to do that.
2. Be sensitive OK, so I might appear to be going back on what I just said but 100% unfiltered honesty is not exactly helpful sometimes. People do appreciate honesty, but they also appreciate sensitivity. For example, if you decide to break up with someone because you no longer find them attractive then you might argue that you should admit that. Well, I’m not arguing that you shouldn’t tell them, but there are definitely two ways to say that: I don’t fancy you any more, or, I don’t feel the same way as I did when we first met. You need to think about how what you say is going to affect your soon-to-be ex-partner. You don’t want to hurt them unnecessarily, and as their partner, you’ll probably already have a good idea of how to hurt them deeply – so don’t, if you possibly can.
3. Anger is temporary Feeling angry with someone and exercising that anger in the form of a fiery fuck-word-filled tirade feels great. And there are times when someone needs to be told they’re a massive dickhead and given a dressing down for putting you through hell. So, if that’s the case go ahead and exercise that anger straight at their shitty mug. But I would say that very few people intentionally set out to be dickheads and everyone is capable of hurting someone, particularly inside a relationship. The funny thing is we’re not so forgiving of these transgressions when we commit them ourselves. People generally don’t set out to irreparably damage each other. That’s just an unfortunate consequence of caring deeply about someone – they can bring you immeasurable joy but also untold pain. So if and when that break-up moment comes, try and be forgiving. This might be the last time you see each other for a long time, or ever again. It would be better to end it with a memory befitting the good times you shared rather than with a sour, spiteful attack which you’ll always regret.
4. Don’t be a bitch It would be very easy for the conversation to descend into a mud-slinging contest, seeing who can out-blame the other party. Well, you looked at that boy on my birthday. Well, you were messaging that bloke on Grindr! Well blah blah blah blah blah, so on and so forth in a never-ending loop of terminal boredom. And while it’s very tempting to play this game, it’s not constructive and it’s definitely not cute. The only reason you’re doing it is because you’re hurting. You might have every reason to bring up some of the failings of your boyfriend in this www.fsmag.org.uk
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GMFA - for gay men’s sexual health. Unit 11, Angel Wharf, 58 Eagle Wharf Road, London N1 7ER. Charity No: 1076854 GMFA projects are developed by positive and negative volunteers. To support GMFA’s work visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/donate. part of
conversation because, yeah, he may have fucked up and he may need to know that. But, be very sure that’s the reason you’re trying to find fault in his actions and not because you’re avoiding confronting your own failings, or worse, simply trying to wound him.
5. Be clear and listen If you’re the party severing ties, it’s vital to be clear about why you’ve decided to end the relationship. You don’t want to leave any doors open, or give them hope that your feelings might change if you know they won’t. It’s understandable that you don’t want to hurt them so there could be a temptation to tell them what they want to hear, that your feelings might change, or that you’re not 100% sure at the moment so you need time to think. You might think you’re being kind, but really it’s a selfish cop-out that only serves to make you feel less guilty. And it’s incredibly cowardly because when your ex finally does realise that it’s well and truly over, you won’t be around to deal with the fallout. At the other end of the spectrum, if you’re the dumpee then you need to make sure that you don’t try and convince yourself that your ex is going to change his mind. Of course he could change his mind but it’s dangerous to hope for something you can’t control. You can’t change his mind and your energies might be better spent adjusting to life post break-up, rather than dwelling on life before it.
6. Be kind Be the kind of person you’d like your partner to be in that situation: honest, sensitive and emotionally intelligent. You will get upset because you care about this person, and I wouldn’t suggest that you try to conceal those feelings. You have to feel it to know it’s over. So be kind to yourself and your partner. You’ll both appreciate it. For advice about sex and sexual health, visit www.fsmag.org.uk/Pages/Category/
www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo © Dan Hall
ADVICE
Five tips for living with your boyfriend By Scott Roberts
@ScottRoberts94
Moving in together is one of the milestone steps any couple takes. It’s in everyone’s ‘plan’ as being somewhere between saying “I love you” and getting hitched. It seems a very grown up thing to do. Having recently taken the step myself I thought I would share with you the five fears I think are common for everyone about to take the shared property plunge.
1. What will happen to my personal space? It’s a legitimate fear. Up until the point of moving in we’re probably used to either having our own room at our parents’ house, our own flat or maybe a shared house with friends. We’ve always had our own dedicated space. It was a few weeks after agreeing to move in that it actually dawned on me that this plan would involve sharing space. In my head I guess I’d sectioned my partner off in some imaginary wing of the home or else fitting in around all my stuff, like the spare drawer we give up when they first start staying over. It’s a reality you’ll have to face. The house is going to be shared space for the two of you – that’s kind of the point. If it’s a genuine worry and you value your personal space, pick a little corner. Make it your snug or your den or your office. Have a special chair or spot on the sofa that’s your spot. It’s important to carry over that feeling of dedicated personal space we get used to.
2. What about bed habits? I think Paloma Faith said it in her song ‘Just Be’; you’ll watch all the little things that once drew you to them, eventually get on your nerves. We all have habits that will likely annoy someone else, simply because that’s not what they’re used to. Whether its leaving towels on the bathroom floor, always having their phone in their hand or snoring every night, we all have a habit that will likely drive someone around the bend. Just remember, as annoying as you find them, you are just as annoying. You can take solace in your mutual annoyance. The fact is as much as you think you know your other half, a whole tonne of stuff will be revealed when you live together. It all adds up to the reasons why you love them though, right?
3. Who is in charge? As Bree Vanderkamp demonstrated to us so many times, relationships always involve a balance of power. Things need to be done and duties need to be divvied up. Who does what? Who sorts the bills, walks the dog, cleans the toilet? Now it is literally just you two together and everything that happens under that roof is down to you guys. You have to do it all and decide which way to work it between you. Chances are that each of you will feel as if you’re doing the greater share of work. The trick is to maintain that feeling. Power works best when everyone thinks they’re doing better. (and you thought the washing up was a simple task that was totally independent from any sort of make or break power struggle – wrong, it’s serious stuff).
4. Will you get bored? I’ll make this an easy answer. Yes. There will be days when you’ll be bored out of your mind because expectations of living together rarely sit parallel with dream visions of paying bills, sorting mail, running food shops and cleaning bathrooms. That’s the often omitted reality of it all. Especially when we move in together relatively early, which seems to be more common these days. It can be a lot of fun and there will be some great times but spending 24/7 with one person will sometimes leave you with very little to say. And that’s fine!
5. Communication Not so much a question but the one tip I would give everyone. Communicate with your partner. Moving in together is an amazing experience but it only works if you communicate fully. In an age when we spend more time talking screen to screen than we do face to face, it can take a while to get used to the change of pace and rhythm of having someone with you 24/7. Whether it’s deciding which space is yours, where you go out on the weekend, who does the washing up or just trying to get them to pick the bloody towel off the bathroom floor. Communicate. Do that and I think taking the step of moving in together could be one of the best things you ever do. www.thefactsite.org.uk
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Photo©©Shutterstock.com Flickr.com/Rhys A Photo
OPINION
Do you have an LGBT role model? By Vish
@VishDelishUK
I’ve been thinking about role models a lot recently. At work, near the water machine, a colleague fired a question that had me stumped: “So Vish, who is your role model?” In that moment I didn’t have an answer on top of my head. I politely changed the topic and scurried back to my desk with a feeling of awkwardness for not naming some prominent LGBT figure. To be honest, this makes me sound insecure. Why was my mind clouded with the misconception that my role model had to look ‘cool’ or ‘relevant’ to others? After all, surely role models are simply a personal thing. So what is a role model? In the past I’ve naively thought of role models as perfect beings that society places on a pedestal who we praise like some deity. Today I realise that this perception is toxic, because let’s face it, nobody is perfect. Personally, I feel attracted to people who have their flaws, admit them and do their best in putting themselves out there in whatever capacity they can. As a child, I looked up to Princess Ariel from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. There was something so captivating about this movie that I used to watch it three to four times a day on VHS (yes I’m showing my age!). Ariel - an LGBT icon - was a free spirit and followed her heart at any expense, that is exchanging her voice to the sea witch for a pair of limbs, to find love with a white, rich, handsome human Prince. Girlfriend was gutsy, strong willed and penetrated my young mind that I needed to marry a rich white man #LIFEGOALS. Fast forward to today and my love for Disney princesses has somewhat dwindled, and I’m still left pondering who my role model is. I think I’ve come to a conclusion. My role model couldn’t possibly be just one person. I’m fortunate to have met many inspiring LGBT people through my line of work. Particularly LGBT people with intersectional identities, such as a person who is BAME (Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic), trans and an asylum seeker. Naturally, this person will experience a different set of issues and levels of discrimination to say a white gay man – it can be complex to say the least. It’s clear to me that LGBT people with intersectional identities are unfortunately invisible to the wider LGBT community, which understandably causes upset. After all who wants to be invisible? But there is hope. I’ve met some awesome LGBT people this past year, who’ve put themselves out there and made me think about my role in the LGBT community. So I guess this leads to an inevitable question – could I be a role model? The truth is, I’m not sure this is a question I could answer. It is something I will let others decide. But in my eyes being a role model could be about being more visible and letting the wider LGBT community know you exist. Unfortunately there is a drought of BAME LGBT role models. Understandably, visibility can result in fear and repercussions from a community’s family or community members. This isn’t an excuse, but a reality. In 2017 Britain, many people fear being their authentic self which can take a toll on wether someone would put themselves forward as a potential role model. Ultimately, it’s going to take time for some communities to change and for the LGBT people from these communities to grow in confidence and live life on their own terms, just like how Princess Ariel managed to. So there you have it, as cheesy as it sounds, perhaps this red-haired aquatic creature was my ultimate role model after all. For advice about mental health and self-esteem, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/self-esteem
www.fsmag.org.uk
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Photo Š Shutterstock.com
LIFE
How HIV made me look differently at dating By Ruaidhri O’Baoill
@RuaidhriOB
I recently met up with a friend of mine who laughed when I mentioned that I was writing my next article on relationships. I can’t blame him. I’m single. I’ve been consistently single for the past nine years. My relationship with relationships isn’t great. When I was younger I couldn’t wait until I was older so I could find ‘the one’. I was such a romantic. I would obsess over how we would meet. How he would propose. Where we would live and what our lives would be like. Even though there weren’t many chances for me to meet with guys back in Ireland, I didn’t let it deter me. My first boyfriend and I met just six months before I left for Liverpool. I really liked him. Everything was incredibly easy with him and we just clicked. The timing sucked though and we split up because we weren’t keen on doing long distance. There was an element also that I wanted to go and explore. I was not only moving away from home but was going to meet so many new people that I didn’t necessarily want to be in a relationship. I wanted to see what else was out there. I’m pretty sure that is a normal feeling for many people that age, however somehow I have seemed to have brought it with me as I have gotten older. After my student years, I had moved to London which in itself exacerbated the problem. Throughout my early 20s I was always single. This played on my mind 24/7. I had become obsessed with the fact I wasn’t able to find anyone. All of my friends were in couples but I couldn’t seem to hold anything down. Every time I went out I would make it my mission to meet someone. When I didn’t I felt awful. This happened repeatedly. This then started to play into my insecurities. It was ruining my confidence. Then the one-night-stands and the Grindr hook-ups increased. They were my way of making myself feel better. This then became an obsession. The more sex I was having the more attractive I must be. By the time I had turned 25, I was an emotional mess. Not long after I found out I was HIV-positive. I took the news considerably well but deep down I was completely devastated. I thought there and then that my chances of finding anyone was now over. My confidence was probably at its lowest it had ever been. Seeing and hearing the stigma that was out there, especially from the gay community, I shut down emotionally. I felt ashamed and dirty. Even when I finally did get myself back out there I was subconsciously making myself inferior to the other person just because of my status. The ball was in their court in terms of how this panned out. If we saw each other again I felt lucky. If we didn’t it was my fault. The times I was rejected it hurt. It upset me that I was now only being seen as this disease rather than a person. I went after sex again as a quick fix confidence boost, however this was just as detrimental as it was first time around. I knew that this was going to keep being my life unless I did something, so I said enough was enough. I gave myself some time to breathe. I took myself out of the dating game completely. I deleted all dating and hook-up apps from my phone. For probably the first time in my life I took time out to work on what I wanted from life. I had to start working on changing my whole mindset when it came to relationships and dating. It was kind of a revelation for me. Instead of trying to match myself to what I thought other guys would want me to be, I started defining who I was and owning that. I’m still single but for first time it doesn’t bother me. I enjoy it. For more information on living with HIV, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/livingwithhiv. www.thefactsite.org.uk
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Photo © Shutterstock.com
Photo © Flickr/Steven Lee
OPINION
Will I ever find a space in the love carpark? By Hadley
@wordsbyhadley
Things change all the time. However, it often feels that the more things change, the more they stay the same, as they say. The bank balance, fridge contents and Twitter followers may all be changing at an inexplicable rate, but let’s focus on something more important – love. We perhaps all secretly long for the day ‘Mr Right’ to comes marching into our living room and declare his love. Oh, and not forgetting those overpriced chocolates in Tesco, that are looking equally appealing. They’ll make for a good snack while we wait for him to park the Aston Martin. Sometimes love can be as scarce as a parking space in London, with various obstacles forcing us to deviate from our original route (the Congestion Charge being one), in order to find the spot we’ve been hoping for. When we do find a free space, it may not always be the perfect one we’ve been picturing in our minds. You might need to walk a little further if you go for this one, another means you have to remember how to parallel park, whereas a spot in the next street is somewhat limited, given that it’s on a strict parking meter. And I’m sorry to have to break it to you, but the parking space that requires minimal skill, located right outside of the place you’re going to, doesn’t exist. For those of us who find ourselves without a parking space on this day of love, maybe it’s time to turn around and go home. Seriously. So what if you didn’t find one this time? There’s no point just going round in circles. Take some time for yourself and then, when you’re ready, get back out there. As you wait, I’d thoroughly recommend reading a book that will make you see things from a different perspective. Becoming by Laura Jane Williams can be read at any stage of the parking game; whether you’re on the look out, you’ve tried and failed, or you’re in the process of licking your wounds from the last attempt. Laura has written so honestly about her experiences of love, that I not only found myself nodding along as I turned the pages of her memoir, but ultimately respecting her for writing what the rest of us are too scared to express in a book, article or text message. The perfect parking space doesn’t exist and neither does the perfect man. As our eyes gaze at love-themed decorations in Tesco this Valentine’s Day, it’s easy for us to become confused with the cliché of the red rose and the reality of the dandelion. Maybe it’s not a box of chocolates we need, but the ability to step back and readjust our expectations. The parking space that’s on a meter is emotionally unavailable and the inability to change that will break your heart. Your hands will become clammy as you attempt to remember how to parallel park, but when you succeed you’ll relax and perhaps find a new appreciation of this new way of parking. It’ll be up to you to decide if the parking space you have to walk an extra ten minutes for is worth the effort. And if all else fails, take the Tube. It’s hot, sweaty, intimately close, but it’s also fast and monotonous – if that’s your thing. For more information about sexuality, visit www.thefactsite.org.uk/Pages/Category/single-life
www.thefactsite.org.uk
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Photo PhotoŠ ŠShutterstock.com Shutterstock
OPINION
Is this the beginning of the end for HIV? By Matthew Hodson
@matthew_hodson
The end of year reviews of 2016 were pretty damning. Bowie, Prince and George Michael led a long list of musical heroes who left us. Brexit in the UK and Trump in the US upset the pollsters and divided both nations. Worldwide, there was a succession of murderous atrocities committed, not least a bloody attack on a gay nightclub in Miami. And Princess Leia died. And then her mum died too. But just before Christmas there was one bit of good news. 56 Dean Street, the busiest sexual health clinic in Europe, announced that they had seen a 40% drop in new HIV diagnoses. Shortly afterwards other London clinics chimed in, reporting drops in new diagnoses among gay and bisexual men in 2016 of between 35% and 50%. I found this hard to process. To hear the news I’d been hoping, fighting and campaigning for half of my adult life felt almost too good to be true. The change couldn’t be explained away by a drop in testing, which remained roughly the same. Also, there was no significant change in the rate of other STIs, which suggested that there hadn’t been a sudden, dramatic increase in condom use or other changes in sexual behaviour. Treatment as prevention (TasP) undoubtedly was a contributing factor. Over the last few years there has been progress in reducing the number of people living with undiagnosed infection. People with HIV now access treatment earlier and when we are undetectable on treatment we’re no longer a transmission risk. That change has been growing steadily over the last few years so it didn’t seem to explain the massive, game-changing drops that the clinics were reporting. This had to be the result of something new. We haven’t got all the data in yet so we have to proceed with some caution but most signs suggest that it was PrEP that made the difference. For years condoms, as a strategy, were barely able to keep the number of new HIV infections among gay men stable. Testing and treatment seemed to have some impact but only slowly. Something more needed to be added to the prevention armoury if we were going to successfully drive down new HIV infections. The efforts of the PROUD study, activist websites like ‘IWantPrEPNow’ and ‘Prepster’ and support from clinical teams, mean that PrEP has now been taken up by a group of very sexually active gay and bisexual men. The figures suggest it’s having the impact that activists had hoped for. In fact, the figures exceed the expectations. I’ve long argued that, just as combination therapy finally enabled us to treat HIV effectively, a combination approach to prevention is required. It is telling (and frustrating) that this vital tool, PrEP, is still not available on the NHS. There’s still some distance to travel. The data that was hastily released at the end of the year needs greater analysis. I’m fairly certain we’ll see that the steep drop in diagnoses is not spread evenly amongst all groups. At the year’s end, we won’t be seeing total drops in new diagnoses within that 35-50% range, because that dramatic impact will likely be confined to a particular group of gay men, with high numbers of sexual partners, engagement in sexual health information and the will, and cash, to access PrEP outside of NHS provision. What we can hope for is that the evidence for the effectiveness of PrEP will be conclusive enough that funds will be invested in getting it to all those who need it. We have the tools we need to end HIV infections. Let us not hesitate to use them. Among all the hell that 2016 threw at us, it may just be that right at its end was the turning point in our battle to end new HIV infections. For more information about HIV and PrEP, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/Pages/Category/hiv-aids-and-safer-sex www.thefactsite.org.uk
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HIV POSITIVE NEGATIVE MEN HAVE A
RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THEIR PARTNERS
THEMSELVES
Your sexual partners may not always insist on using condoms. Stopping transmission of HIV is your responsibility. For more information, visit www.gmfa.org.uk. GMFA - the gay men’s health charity 11 Ebenezer Street, London N1 7NP. Charity No: 1076854 GMFA projects are developed by positive and negative volunteers. To support GMFA’s work visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/donate.
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